Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
