just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
