hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
