so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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