How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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