my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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