tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
