JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
