she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
