Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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