you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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