My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Oh god it's open bar.
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