I'm jealous of your bromance
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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