Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
