Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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