I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
