You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I need water and some morals
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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