A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
