I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
