Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
