Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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