She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
