My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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