oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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