i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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