i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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