Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
In other news, I just burned my penis
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
