You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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