I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
