I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
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His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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