I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
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