He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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