we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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