I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Randomize
