We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
we're so committed to being not committed
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