The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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