Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
So much rum. So many feels.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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