My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
