When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
