i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
