wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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