She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
