your room smells of hookers.
And success
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
