I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
