Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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