she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
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his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
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I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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