you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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