I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
