My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
