I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
