if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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