I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Send help, water and tortillas.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
