I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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